"One day I was telling my wife how fine and husky and well I felt and she said, Yes, but I notice you're never strong enough to find your own clean shirts or collars or pour out your own coffee."
As published in The Oregonian on February 1st, 1923.

A man can be as smart as Solomon and have read all that was ever written about the dear women, says Bill, "but he never learns enough to avoid asking his wife a question just as she goes to take something out of the oven." As published in The Oregonian on February 1st, 1923.

"My wife says she never began to really feel she was getting older until my bald spot began to spread." As published in The Oregonian on February 1st, 1923.

"When I read these alienation suits, where some wife sues some other woman for half a million for the alienation of her husband's affections, I laugh to myself at the surprise it must be to the husband, who has probably been told every day of his married life that he wasn't worth two cents," chuckled Bill.
As published in The Oregonian on February 1st, 1923.

"When a man doesn't drink or smoke or swear, look out for him." Says Bill. "He has some worse habits."
As published in The Oregonian on February 1st, 1923.

"Funny, isn't it," says Bill, "how girls starve themselves to get thin, have their faces skinned or lifted, have their wrinkles cut out and suffer tortures all to keep their husbands attention, and a man thinks he is a martyr if he resists eating an onion if he is going out with her." As published in The Oregonian on February 1st, 1923.

"I never criticize my wife," he says, "or give her advice about how to run her business. When I was courting her I paid her compliments and I've kept up the practice. That's one of the reasons I've got her yet."
As published in The Oregonian on February 1st, 1923.

"It's the hours a wife spends fixing pretty thing in the house that her husband never notices, and the hours a husband spends making jokes and remarks that his wife never laughs at that makes sweet marriage bells jangle out of tune," says Uncle Bill. "I've got the same wife I started with, the girl of my youth. I've had her hand at my shoulder in all the years. We've had 12 children, all told, and now there are left seven girls and one boy. Grandchildren? Well, I'll tell the world. Now let me see," and Uncle Bill counts on his fingers until 17 are named off. As published in The Oregonian on February 1st, 1923.

"Home," says Uncle Bill, "is any given four walls that surround someone you love."
As published in The Oregonian on February 1st, 1923.